Rage, Fear, Sorrow, Activism: Unapologetic Angry Feminist Blog

New Consent Zine

2008-12-09T16:03:00.000-08:00

There is a great new consent zine out that Cindy Crabb helped edit. It is 5 bucks through the mail, (see doris zine blog) or the whole pdf is online at http://zinelibrary.info/learning-good-consent. Go read it. Print it out. Give it to your friends.

Open letter to my parents part 1

2008-10-01T18:18:00.001-07:00

I know you are looking for me. I know you read this blog. I know that by this point you have figured out how to use google and track me. Well, good, because this is probably the best communication we have ever had then.

When I started this blog, and then decided to do the art show, I knew that as a consequence you would probably find out where I was again. Well, I am not running. I decided that I was not going to let you both dictate my life, and that I was going to stop being scared. Maybe that was a bad decision, and maybe in the end I will pay for it, but it is a decision I made knowing fully what might happen.

Dad- I hope your friends, coworkers, people you go to church with, and your family all find out that your raped your daughter for 8 years. I hope that one day someone has the courage to beat your ass in a dark parking lot. I pray for the day you depart from this world.

Mom- I hope your people find out that you chose him over me, even knowing the truth. I hope they know that your baby girl did a tremendous amount of healing all by herself while working 2 jobs and being extremely poor. I hope you lose sleep every single night, just like I did for so long, about not protecting me.

I am not finished. I decided to start writing you open letters as a way to get out shit that that I want to say to you. But don’t be fooled, these aren’t for you.

Things that make me mad

2008-10-01T18:17:00.000-07:00

I hate that sometimes the shit, all of the 8 years of abuse that is stuck in my brain, has a way of sneaking itself back into my life. I hate that even still I sometimes don’t sleep. I am pissed about the fact that sometimes when I am having sex with my partner I get triggered and remember my dad raping me. I hate that sometimes I just can’t have sex at all-sometimes for weeks, or even months. I hate that I distrust most men until they prove they are worth trusting. I hate that after doing all of the work that I have done and crying all of the fucking tears that I have cried, sometimes it feels like there is still this endless well of tears inside. I hate that the effects of trauma now 12 years removed still seep into my every day life. That is why I am fucking mad. That is why I need to talk about it. Not just because it is old, but because it is still there. Every fucking day.

Art space

2008-08-26T20:25:00.000-07:00

For a while we have been talking about making communal art... basically a space for people to come together and be creative. These events will probably take on a life of their own and I am really interested in input on it.
We found a free/super cheap art space to use that is downtown.... anybody interested in it? Any good times for folks?
radicalsurvivorasheville@gmail.com

R.A.W. Project call for submissions

2008-08-05T14:58:00.000-07:00

This is officially the first call for submissions for the upcoming R.A.W. (radical artistic weaponry) project art show. In short, this is a survivors art show- a really fucking in your face art show. Absolutely any piece, whether it is painting, poetry, theater, mixed media, music... whatever- we want to create a space for others to see/hear/experience your work! This show is totally uncensored, and although nothing is going to be turned away, we are specifically seeking pieces that allow us as artists (which we all are) to express raw emotion, namely righteously pissed off rage.

So why the desire for such angry art?

Because truly angry art is some of the most therapeutic work that I personally have ever done. In my case like many other people's, there is no course for justice. I think the anger part of surviving sex abuse is especially hard to deal with for individuals who have seen no justice and have no avenue for justice. I think there is a danger, when we don't express the anger inside of us, of turning it inwards. I know this because that is how I used to deal with it. Because of this, I feel like art is exceedingly important, as it is a medium through which to express anger in a constructive and safe manner. Through art we are able to explore realities that are not possible in everyday life. Through art we are able to express exactly how we feel, how we wish things would have turned out and play out our justice.

Logistics: As of right now we have not set a date or venue. The goal is the end of 2008. We are currently seeking space to have the show, as well as a space to create some communal art pieces in the mean time. More details on that to come.
Already have a piece you want to submit or want more details? Email me at radicalsurvivorasheville@gmail.com.
Info in the future will be found on the R.A.W Project link on the right hand side of this page. Check back for updates.

Political Activism and Trauma

2008-07-30T16:09:00.000-07:00

Recently I have been part of the fight against a big local developer that wants to build more condos for millionaires, and it has struck me how similar the fight is to abuse. Stay with me here.
Often times it is us, the ones with no money, no political muscle, no real power- fighting against big money, unlimited resources, and power. It feels like being a kid-being weaker than your attacker or abuser. We are starting with such a fucking disadvantage. We fight like hell, with all of our power and they hardly have to do anything to still defeat us. Do you know what i mean?
So why fight? Why not just give up?
That is a question I have been pondering right now while I am on a brief break from politics. At first I felt like it was just trauma all over again. Another fight, similar to attempting to seek justice through the justice system which usually fails most of us, that just doesn't seem worth fighting. But i still keep fighting.
why?
Because at least now I can. At least now we have a chance.

Dude, Seriously

2008-07-06T10:02:00.000-07:00

Recently I walked in on a conversation that one of my friends regarded as a "dude seriously." These are those conversations when people step up and tell one of their friends that they are being an asshole and have a serious conversation about what they have observed and what needs to be done.
This particular conversation was centered around a dude who had been much too aggressive in his pursuit of hooking up with various girls. Yes, alcohol was involved. Yes, he is probably a pretty decent guy. But dude, seriously! You can't fucking try to make out with a girl after she is fucking passed out. You can't keep rubbing up on a woman after she has made it clear she is not interested.
But that isn't the point. The point is that once these actions were spotted other men in the same social circle took it upon themselves to try to prevent this shit from happening again. To give the guy the benefit of the doubt and have an honest and serious conversation from him. I don't know the outcome, but i do know that it is amazing when people can look their friends in the face and call them out on their misogyny. This is, and always should be the first step. Call out your friends and listen when they call you out. I have had friends do the same for me and it changed the way I interact with people and made me pay a lot more attention to myself, particularly after i have been drinking.

Sorry for being gone for so long.

2008-06-20T16:42:00.000-07:00

I was off getting married (homo style). I am back. And planning an art show. details soon.

Why you should go to UNCA Monday night.

2008-04-27T14:55:00.000-07:00

Angela Shelton made a documentary where she went around the country looking for women that had her name and interviewing them. She was surprised by the number of them that had been abused, and this became a theme in her documentary. I have not seen it yet, but she is going to be at UNCA tomorrow, April 28 at 8pm in the Humanities Lecture Hall. She will be screening her documentary, giving a talk, and signing books. I'm pretty sure it's free. See you there!

On Health Insurance

2008-04-25T15:41:00.000-07:00

I think I need a soapbox to get up on my high horse.

I applied for health insurance, at the request of my girlfriend's mother (I think health insurance companies are the devil and didn't want health insurance), and they denied me because I had a pre-existing condition of "inconclusive pap smear". When I say inconclusive, I mean the doctors were like "well, that's weird. We don't think it's cancerous, but we haven't seen anything like it before". I'm just guessing, but perhaps my strange pussy is tied to being raped thousands of times as a small child. I mean, I'm assuming that's where the weird scarring (skin tag) that they had to cut off of my clitoris when I was 19 came from.

So yeah. Go me. I have now been denied health insurance because of pre-existing rape.

How Do You Deal With Anger?

2008-04-25T14:54:00.001-07:00

I feel alone.

Lately I don't know how to deal with my anger.

What about when the only job that you can find in Asheville becomes a living hell because some misogynistic man takes a personal vendetta against you?
When you can't prove that it is because you are the only girl in an all-male environment, but the frequency and gross-ness with which the guys objectify women on the street tends to increase whenever you are around?
These are the stories you hear as theoretical anecdotes about sexism, but when you have to deal with them 8 hours a day 5 days a week, how do you keep from strangling someone? Or worse, how do you keep from going dead and silent inside, like you have been taught your whole life?

I feel like there should be a craigslist with stories to use when you’re trying to make a point. The next time someone says “racism doesn’t really exist any more” or “women can totally join male dominated trades today” you could just check craigslist and bust out with a personal story rebuttal.

I feel like I’m banging my head against the wall and going BANG… ow! BANG… ow! BANG… ow!
Like now I see why people don’t stand up to their oppressors. Because it hurts. Because it makes it worse. Duh.

Is there anyone out there?

Our Voice Survivor’s Art Show Critique

2008-04-20T18:10:00.000-07:00

(Disclaimer: Our Voice is, in general, a really rad organization that provides free counseling, a rape crises line, educational programming, etc. It fills a roll in Asheville (or any city) that is desperately needed, and they do a pretty dang good job of it. What follows is a critique of the Survivor’s Art Show that they put on with Arts2People. Please take these criticisms and think about them constructively, but don’t take them as a judgment of Our Voice in general. Rather, I would take them as a judgment of non-profits in general, and how their intentions and direction can become somewhat skewed when money gets involved.)

Recently I have been reading and thinking about the nonprofit industrial complex (“The Revolution Will Not be Funded: beyond the non-profit industrial complex”, edited by Incite: Women of Color against Violence). Also recently I participated in the Our Voice survivor’s art show. The links between the two have had my head spinning for the last couple weeks.

Overall I felt like the show was good. Any public survivor event is inherently positive because it helps break silence and raise awareness. However, I still left with a lot of criticisms.

First off, the show (this year was the 8th annual) drastically changed this year. In the past the show has been a free event and really worked on drawing in as many survivor participants and show goers as possible. In contrast, this year the show’s admission cost went from $0 to $15. This is a huge jump, especially in a community with drastic lines dividing the ruling class and the rest of us just trying to scrape by. Because of the price hike, many of my friends (including fellow survivors) were excluded from attendance.

Second, my piece was a bit controversial and initially was treated as too extreme to show because of the nudity and the fact that I had a firearm in the pictures. After several conversations and emails and me having to explain my work, Our Voice eventually decided to go ahead with the piece. There was a disclaimer at the entrance to the gallery about the controversial and inappropriate nature for persons under 18. I was thankful that Our Voice was willing to dialogue with me and take my intentions into consideration. However, the fact that they were ever considering not showing the work was horribly alienating and left me crying alone in a corner in the middle of the day at work. A large survivor organization is the last group that you want to alienate you to the point of tears and silence! We need to remember that a main function of art is to get shit out. To be able to express and achieve actions and emotions not possible in daily life.

I also thought it was symbolic of the larger way we think about sex abuse, that the art was considered in need of a warning for people under 18, when 1/5 of all people under 18 have already experienced the subject of the art.

Third- The event was supposed to last until 9 pm, but at 8:15 when the bidding ended, the gallery was closed off. This, coupled with the new admission cost, made it seem as though the only point of the show was to raise money.

Fourth- Free food. Free Booze. Weird. (Although later I found out the food and booze were donated. I would have had much more of a problem with it if they were paid for by Our Voice.)

Fifth- The list of comp tickets was sitting in plain view at the entrance. Most of those comp tickets were for supposedly anonymous survivors who may not have been comfortable with their name on a list for anyone to see, or assume that they had been raped. Also, they took the first and last name of everyone that attended the event, supposedly because Our Voice wanted to know who came. I would have issue with any event that wanted names of who attended, but it seems particularly dicey at an event this personal in nature, where anonymity is not just about comfort, but sometimes also about survival.

I’m sure Our Voice has their reasons for doing things as they did, but they need to be clear about their intentions with themselves and the community. Is this event for survivors or donors?

Our Voice Survivors art show

2008-03-29T10:18:00.000-07:00

The our voice survivors art show is coming up soon. The show is going to be april 10th from 6:30 to 9:00 at pack place, but I take issue with the fact that the show is $15. I understand that this is a fundraiser but $15 without a sliding scale is a bit steep for this event. Either way, this event is worth participating in/attending. Submissions are due by Monday the 31st. Contact Our Voice for more info- 828-257-4500.

On Confrontation

2008-03-23T00:21:00.000-07:00

Why is it so much harder for us to confront people that we know than people that we don't?

How do you confront someone who is wearing a typical "child molester" costume, or a sexual priest costume, in an attempt to be funny, and let them know that you are bothered by it, without being the ultimate party pooper?

I don't. I giggle. I write it off, because they are just trying to be funny, they don't mean anything. I mean, it's true, they aren't actually trying to imitate a rapist priest, they aren't willingly attempting to trigger anybody's fucked up priest childhood.

But then, is that sort of costume ever ok? Is it ever actually funny? Is it funny to pretend like you are 12, and making out with a 50 year old? Why is it assumed that it is ok? Why aren't people afraid to wear a costume like that? I mean, you would never wear a Hitler costume to the party at the Jewish community center. HaHa. But a child molester is funny? Is it? How has that come to be in our society?

I don't think it's funny. But how do I say that?

Oh yeah, and when someone is speaking to a small male child and saying "Look, your girlfriend is here" in reference to me, how do I express that I am uncomfortable with the sexualization of a 4 month old when I know the gesture was intended as sweet? Cause quite frankly, it freaks me out.

i heart feminist boys

2008-03-21T19:09:00.000-07:00

sometimes when i feel like all men are skeezy assholes some random feminist man makes me feel alot better about the potential for male bodied folks.

2008-03-09T08:52:00.001-07:00

where, oh where, did riot girl go? I miss it, I do. Does anybody know any similar artists that are still kickin' it today?

2008-03-08T15:40:00.000-08:00

Why the fuck is misogyny still ok?

Before this whole Barack/ Hillary debacle I probably would have concluded that racism and misogyny were about equal in their levels of political unacceptability. Now I believe that feminism has not come nearly as far as black civil rights in particular (although probably not latino civil rights) in terms of the acceptability of blatantly violent speech.

I would argue that ultimately, class is the best determiner of whether or not your life is going to suck. But I have been pleasantly surprised at the lack of racist cartoons, commentary, and slant. The double standard of hatred, and acceptance of outright violent speech against women, on the other hand, has been alarming. It has definitely been a wake up call for me, and I am pretty pissed about it.

One supposedly progressive blog (Daily Kos) seemed to have no problem decrying Hillary’s supposed racism and calling her a heifer in the same breath.

Now, bear in mind that this is not necessarily a defense or endorsement of Clinton, but rather an outrage at the anti- woman coverage and attitudes of not only the media, but of many of my supposedly progressive friends and acquaintances.

Robin Morgan recently wrote an article called “Goodbye to all that (#2),” which does a better job of detailing this than I probably can. The whole thing is worth reading, but one particularly telling part, detailing examples, is this...

“Carl Bernstein’s disgust at Hillary’s “thick ankles.” Nixon-trickster Roger Stone’s new Hillary-hating 527 group, “Citizens United Not Timid” (check the capital letters). John McCain answering “How do we beat the bitch?” with “Excellent question!” Would he have dared reply similarly to “How do we beat the black bastard?” For shame.

Goodbye to the HRC nutcracker with metal spikes between splayed thighs. If it was a tap-dancing blackface doll, we would be righteously outraged—and they would not be selling it in airports. Shame.
Goodbye to the most intimately violent T-shirts in election history, including one with the murderous slogan “If Only Hillary had married O.J. Instead!” Shame.

Goodbye to Comedy Central’s “Southpark” featuring a storyline in which terrorists secrete a bomb in HRC’s vagina. I refuse to wrench my brain down into the gutter far enough to find a race-based comparison. For shame.

Goodbye to the sick, malicious idea that this is funny. This is not “Clinton hating,” not “Hillary hating.” This is sociopathic woman-hating. If it were about Jews, we would recognize it instantly as anti-Semitic propaganda; if about race, as KKK poison. Hell, PETA would go ballistic if such vomitous spew were directed at animals. Where is our sense of outrage—as citizens, voters, Americans?”

In recent google and youtube searches of the two presidential hopefuls names, I can not count the number of times I have seen Hillary called a bitch, whore, slut, fat, ugly, or any other slew of imaginable insults reserved for women. If the same were true for Obama... I don't even want to guess. Go ahead, try it, and see what you come up with. Any thoughts?