There is a great new consent zine out that Cindy Crabb helped edit. It is 5 bucks through the mail, (see doris zine blog) or the whole pdf is online at http://zinelibrary.info/learning-good-consent. Go read it. Print it out. Give it to your friends.
Tuesday, December 9, 2008
Wednesday, October 1, 2008
Open letter to my parents part 1
I know you are looking for me. I know you read this blog. I know that by this point you have figured out how to use google and track me. Well, good, because this is probably the best communication we have ever had then.
When I started this blog, and then decided to do the art show, I knew that as a consequence you would probably find out where I was again. Well, I am not running. I decided that I was not going to let you both dictate my life, and that I was going to stop being scared. Maybe that was a bad decision, and maybe in the end I will pay for it, but it is a decision I made knowing fully what might happen.
Dad- I hope your friends, coworkers, people you go to church with, and your family all find out that your raped your daughter for 8 years. I hope that one day someone has the courage to beat your ass in a dark parking lot. I pray for the day you depart from this world.
Mom- I hope your people find out that you chose him over me, even knowing the truth. I hope they know that your baby girl did a tremendous amount of healing all by herself while working 2 jobs and being extremely poor. I hope you lose sleep every single night, just like I did for so long, about not protecting me.
I am not finished. I decided to start writing you open letters as a way to get out shit that that I want to say to you. But don’t be fooled, these aren’t for you.
When I started this blog, and then decided to do the art show, I knew that as a consequence you would probably find out where I was again. Well, I am not running. I decided that I was not going to let you both dictate my life, and that I was going to stop being scared. Maybe that was a bad decision, and maybe in the end I will pay for it, but it is a decision I made knowing fully what might happen.
Dad- I hope your friends, coworkers, people you go to church with, and your family all find out that your raped your daughter for 8 years. I hope that one day someone has the courage to beat your ass in a dark parking lot. I pray for the day you depart from this world.
Mom- I hope your people find out that you chose him over me, even knowing the truth. I hope they know that your baby girl did a tremendous amount of healing all by herself while working 2 jobs and being extremely poor. I hope you lose sleep every single night, just like I did for so long, about not protecting me.
I am not finished. I decided to start writing you open letters as a way to get out shit that that I want to say to you. But don’t be fooled, these aren’t for you.
Things that make me mad
I hate that sometimes the shit, all of the 8 years of abuse that is stuck in my brain, has a way of sneaking itself back into my life. I hate that even still I sometimes don’t sleep. I am pissed about the fact that sometimes when I am having sex with my partner I get triggered and remember my dad raping me. I hate that sometimes I just can’t have sex at all-sometimes for weeks, or even months. I hate that I distrust most men until they prove they are worth trusting. I hate that after doing all of the work that I have done and crying all of the fucking tears that I have cried, sometimes it feels like there is still this endless well of tears inside. I hate that the effects of trauma now 12 years removed still seep into my every day life. That is why I am fucking mad. That is why I need to talk about it. Not just because it is old, but because it is still there. Every fucking day.
Tuesday, August 26, 2008
Art space
For a while we have been talking about making communal art... basically a space for people to come together and be creative. These events will probably take on a life of their own and I am really interested in input on it.
We found a free/super cheap art space to use that is downtown.... anybody interested in it? Any good times for folks?
radicalsurvivorasheville@gmail.com
We found a free/super cheap art space to use that is downtown.... anybody interested in it? Any good times for folks?
radicalsurvivorasheville@gmail.com
Tuesday, August 5, 2008
R.A.W. Project call for submissions
This is officially the first call for submissions for the upcoming R.A.W. (radical artistic weaponry) project art show. In short, this is a survivors art show- a really fucking in your face art show. Absolutely any piece, whether it is painting, poetry, theater, mixed media, music... whatever- we want to create a space for others to see/hear/experience your work! This show is totally uncensored, and although nothing is going to be turned away, we are specifically seeking pieces that allow us as artists (which we all are) to express raw emotion, namely righteously pissed off rage.
So why the desire for such angry art?
Because truly angry art is some of the most therapeutic work that I personally have ever done. In my case like many other people's, there is no course for justice. I think the anger part of surviving sex abuse is especially hard to deal with for individuals who have seen no justice and have no avenue for justice. I think there is a danger, when we don't express the anger inside of us, of turning it inwards. I know this because that is how I used to deal with it. Because of this, I feel like art is exceedingly important, as it is a medium through which to express anger in a constructive and safe manner. Through art we are able to explore realities that are not possible in everyday life. Through art we are able to express exactly how we feel, how we wish things would have turned out and play out our justice.
Logistics: As of right now we have not set a date or venue. The goal is the end of 2008. We are currently seeking space to have the show, as well as a space to create some communal art pieces in the mean time. More details on that to come.
Already have a piece you want to submit or want more details? Email me at radicalsurvivorasheville@gmail.com.
Info in the future will be found on the R.A.W Project link on the right hand side of this page. Check back for updates.
So why the desire for such angry art?
Because truly angry art is some of the most therapeutic work that I personally have ever done. In my case like many other people's, there is no course for justice. I think the anger part of surviving sex abuse is especially hard to deal with for individuals who have seen no justice and have no avenue for justice. I think there is a danger, when we don't express the anger inside of us, of turning it inwards. I know this because that is how I used to deal with it. Because of this, I feel like art is exceedingly important, as it is a medium through which to express anger in a constructive and safe manner. Through art we are able to explore realities that are not possible in everyday life. Through art we are able to express exactly how we feel, how we wish things would have turned out and play out our justice.
Logistics: As of right now we have not set a date or venue. The goal is the end of 2008. We are currently seeking space to have the show, as well as a space to create some communal art pieces in the mean time. More details on that to come.
Already have a piece you want to submit or want more details? Email me at radicalsurvivorasheville@gmail.com.
Info in the future will be found on the R.A.W Project link on the right hand side of this page. Check back for updates.
Wednesday, July 30, 2008
Political Activism and Trauma
Recently I have been part of the fight against a big local developer that wants to build more condos for millionaires, and it has struck me how similar the fight is to abuse. Stay with me here.
Often times it is us, the ones with no money, no political muscle, no real power- fighting against big money, unlimited resources, and power. It feels like being a kid-being weaker than your attacker or abuser. We are starting with such a fucking disadvantage. We fight like hell, with all of our power and they hardly have to do anything to still defeat us. Do you know what i mean?
So why fight? Why not just give up?
That is a question I have been pondering right now while I am on a brief break from politics. At first I felt like it was just trauma all over again. Another fight, similar to attempting to seek justice through the justice system which usually fails most of us, that just doesn't seem worth fighting. But i still keep fighting.
why?
Because at least now I can. At least now we have a chance.
Often times it is us, the ones with no money, no political muscle, no real power- fighting against big money, unlimited resources, and power. It feels like being a kid-being weaker than your attacker or abuser. We are starting with such a fucking disadvantage. We fight like hell, with all of our power and they hardly have to do anything to still defeat us. Do you know what i mean?
So why fight? Why not just give up?
That is a question I have been pondering right now while I am on a brief break from politics. At first I felt like it was just trauma all over again. Another fight, similar to attempting to seek justice through the justice system which usually fails most of us, that just doesn't seem worth fighting. But i still keep fighting.
why?
Because at least now I can. At least now we have a chance.
Sunday, July 6, 2008
Dude, Seriously
Recently I walked in on a conversation that one of my friends regarded as a "dude seriously." These are those conversations when people step up and tell one of their friends that they are being an asshole and have a serious conversation about what they have observed and what needs to be done.
This particular conversation was centered around a dude who had been much too aggressive in his pursuit of hooking up with various girls. Yes, alcohol was involved. Yes, he is probably a pretty decent guy. But dude, seriously! You can't fucking try to make out with a girl after she is fucking passed out. You can't keep rubbing up on a woman after she has made it clear she is not interested.
But that isn't the point. The point is that once these actions were spotted other men in the same social circle took it upon themselves to try to prevent this shit from happening again. To give the guy the benefit of the doubt and have an honest and serious conversation from him. I don't know the outcome, but i do know that it is amazing when people can look their friends in the face and call them out on their misogyny. This is, and always should be the first step. Call out your friends and listen when they call you out. I have had friends do the same for me and it changed the way I interact with people and made me pay a lot more attention to myself, particularly after i have been drinking.
This particular conversation was centered around a dude who had been much too aggressive in his pursuit of hooking up with various girls. Yes, alcohol was involved. Yes, he is probably a pretty decent guy. But dude, seriously! You can't fucking try to make out with a girl after she is fucking passed out. You can't keep rubbing up on a woman after she has made it clear she is not interested.
But that isn't the point. The point is that once these actions were spotted other men in the same social circle took it upon themselves to try to prevent this shit from happening again. To give the guy the benefit of the doubt and have an honest and serious conversation from him. I don't know the outcome, but i do know that it is amazing when people can look their friends in the face and call them out on their misogyny. This is, and always should be the first step. Call out your friends and listen when they call you out. I have had friends do the same for me and it changed the way I interact with people and made me pay a lot more attention to myself, particularly after i have been drinking.
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